I gathered a group of my friends to watch a film the other day. A film that was banned in Kenya by the Kenya Film Classification Board. This film by The Nest Collective, Stories of our Lives, is a brilliant take on the lives of LGBTI people in Kenya from different walks of lives. There’s even a book! Look it up. As I was sat there shedding a tear at the story of the lesbian students and being completely narcissistic while listening to my own voice at the closing scene, I suddenly thought of the person who made this happen. The person who made the thing I was doing right then a crime in my country. I suddenly thought of Ezekiel Mutua. So I am dedicating this blog post to you sir. Enjoy.
See, I don’t even know if you will ever read this. You have blocked me on Twitter for calling you Pornstache Man (not that I have any problem with porn or the stache but you got to admit…your face just asks for it). You blocked me on Facebook for calling you out on banning the Same Love music video. You blocked me on Grindr for saying that you are way too churchy for my heathen self (OK, that one may not have happened but in this day and age of the internet, believe EVERYTHING! – Wole Soyinka). I sure hope you get to read this because, contrary to what you might think, this is praise for you Ezekiel Mutua. This is me taking my hat off to you. This is me saying, “Thank you!”. This is me kissing your feet. This is me washing your feet? Where am I going with this?
You, Mr. Mutua (and the gays are going to crucify me for saying this), are the best thing to happen to homosexuals. You really are. Beyonce must have sprinkled you with the fairy dust of homosexual ally-ness. You must have been born singing, “If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it!” way before it was ever written. Because, you sir, have done so much for this homosexual community and I will be damned if I don’t thank you. So, Thank you, Ezekiel Mutua. Thank you for being a beacon of hope. Thank you for being the one person I can always count on to make my voice heard. For being the person I can always look up to whenever I feel…well…not talked about enough. I realize that it is about this point where you are thinking, “What the F…inger of God is this homosexual talking about?” You know, because you can’t say the word “Fuck”. Don’t worry, sir. I will explain.
Remember when you banned the music video Same Love Remix by Art Attack? At that time I thought you were a complete prick. I kept thinking to myself, “Where does this closet homosexual get the nerve to ban a very brilliantly done video?” Actually, I lie. Every time I thought of you or heard your name mentioned, there were only two words in my mind. And they rhyme with “gloset bomosexual”. But that was then. Do you know though what you did when you banned the music video? EVERYONE who noticed the ban watched the video. Everyone! The video has, to date, been seen more than 300,000 times on YouTube and that’s not counting the thousands of shares on other media. So thank you for spreading the message of Same Love. Mwah!
And then I called you Pornstache Man and you blocked me on Twitter.
And then there was that time that you banned the film I spoke about earlier, Stories of our Lives. A film that went ahead to earn many many international accolades. You can’t even claim to have one accolade. But don’t you worry Mr. Mutua. I’m giving you one today. Kudos! A film that had my voice in it, so in essence, you banned me! You even got George Gachara, the Executive Producer, arrested. Look how young and innocent George was! And I must have called you something or other on Facebook at that time. I don’t remember what it was…you blocked me. But what that ban did was highlight the plight of LGBTI people in Kenya worldwide. In Kenya, the forward thinking people must have thought, “What’s up with this closet homosexual? Can’t he just let gays keep gaying?” while others thought, “Homosexuality, hmmm…we need to discuss this thing!” And for that sir, I curtsy in thanks!
And then your diplomatic passport was revoked and I praised Beyonce! But come to think of it, “Booooo!!!”
My favorite one though was when you said, in your words, “That is why I will say isolate the crazy gay animals, study their behavior because it’s not normal. The very idea of sex even among animals is for procreation. Two male lions cannot procreate and therefore we will lose the lion species.” And you did not stop there, you said something to the effect that they learn from the gays who go have sex in the bushes, allegedly (yes…I put that word there because it doesn’t quite show what is alleged. Bite me!) And what did that show? That you are one big homosexual ally. I mean, why bring up a thing that has been a part of nature since time immemorial to the fore when you could have just let it be.
And then I called you too churchy and you blocked me on Grindr (allegedly).
And most recently, you banned Rafiki. I haven’t seen it yet, but from the trailer, it looks to be one of the best LGBTI themed films out of Kenya in recent times. The love, the chemistry, the lesbianism…everything. Don’t you think so? You clearly did when you wanted to go see the premiere at Cannes. But you know what your ban did, it ensured that the premiere was one of the most highly attended at the festival, and for that, we thank you!
What I am trying to say is, while most might think you the devil’s spawn, an enemy to the gays, a badly written 60’s cartoon character, a bible-thumping queen, a crazy old man, a closet homosexual, a shit stain on the freedom of expression (I should stop). I don’t think you are any of those things. I think you are one of Kenya’s biggest LGBTI allies and the biggest promoter of the arts. Here is your accolade. “Accolade”
Also, I really think you should get a gay guy to do your hair and make up. It looks absolutely awful.